September 26, 2025

I was a long-time user of Find a Grave. For years it was one of my go-to genealogy websites. I used it to find information on my family as well as to help others research their own lines. I added connections between various family members shown on the website so that the information would be more valuable for later researchers. I volunteered to take photos at cemeteries and created memorials for family members missing them.

In short, I considered Find a Grave one of my favorite genealogy websites. I often recommended it to others. That changed a few years ago when my sister died. She was an avid genealogist. She loved Find a Grave and spent hours adding photos to the website. She created memorials for dozens of her husband’s family members.

When she passed, I knew that she’d want a memorial. I didn’t have the heart to make a memorial for several days after her death, but eventually I went online to do so. I was upset to find that someone I didn’t know had already made a memorial for her. Some of the information posted was wrong. In addition, the photo was one I knew my sister hated.

I’d thought making a memorial for my sister was one last thing I could do for her. Having the chance to do that stolen was heartbreaking. I wrote to the person who’d made the memorial and asked for my sister’s memorial to be transferred to me – something I’d done for other close family members in the past. I told the person I was unhappy she’d posted the memorial so quickly – before I’d had a chance. Her cool reply was that if she hadn’t done it, someone else would have. She said I’d get over it once my grief subsided a little.

I haven’t. Like other genealogists, I wrote to Find a Grave and complained. I didn’t receive an answer. I haven’t used Find a Grave since. I haven’t told anyone else to use it either. I’ve explained to several newbies why I don’t use it.

Occasionally, over the years I saw blog posts by genealogists complaining about Find a Grave’s dismissive policy towards those who’d lost family members and wanted to memorialize them. Sometimes I’d hear that Find a Grave was thinking about changing their policy, but nothing ever seemed to happen.

I assumed that the status quo would remain in place forever. Last week I found that a cousin’s wife had passed away very recently. I’d missed the news and wanted to find out more. I couldn’t find an obit, but I did find a link to Find a Grave. I decided to see what information was on that site. I was surprised to see nothing about the wife was on the website. Instead, there was a notice stating that to be sensitive to the family of the deceased, Find a Grave shows limited information for the first three months. It further states that family members may take management of a memorial any time during the first year.

I am happy to find that Find a Grave has finally changed their policy to protect the feelings of family members. I’ve always thought it was a worthwhile website. With its improvements I can feel good about using it again.

Carol Stetser

Researcher

Larimer County Genealogical Society